A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious, on the side of the road. On the opposite side de of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and we both took cover in the ditches along the road, me on one side of the road and him on the other.
I yelled over to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low-life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left-wing Liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. Then I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" And there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck hit us!"
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved and he signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
Both look stupid in hats. Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting. Both tend to have "hip" problems. Both look good in a fur coat. Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say. Neither believe that silence is golden. Both constantly want back rubs. You can never tell what either of them is thinking. Both put too much value on kissing.
How Dogs and Men are the Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both like to chew wood. (Huh? Is that a gay joke?) Both mark their territory. Neither tells you what's bothering them. Both tend to smell riper with age. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. Neither does dishes. Both fart shamelessly. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither understands what you see in cats.
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10 - Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9 - Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8 - Viagra, like a rock! 7 - Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6 - Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5 - Viagra, Reach out and touch someone 4 - Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3 - Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2 - Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1 - This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs
Hummingbird Finally, my first hummingbirds. Saw them on a fire bush in Crystal Beach, FL. My rental's neighbor's yard is all xeriscaped, which is ugly to me but just fine with the little hummers. At first, I thought they were the biggest hornets I'd ever seen.
Flamingo! One of these dudes flew right over my house. I couldn't believe it. And please don't tell me it was a roseated spoonbill because it was a frickin' flamingo, dude! Huge and pink and right there above me. I was like so freaking out, you know?
Falcon! Don't see these guys too often. Wish we did. Bet the morning doves don't.
Black Skimmer These beauties are getting scarce, but one flew by yesterday at low tide on the hunt for minnows.
Dead sea turtle cool, but smelly
Reddish Egret These have been hanging out around the pool quite a bit lately. Must be a new group of adolesent birds -- the youngsters like to hunt where the water is clear, and it takes them a day to figure out there are not now and never will be fish in the swimming pool no matter how clear the water.
Brown Pelican I saw a flock of about 200 of these at Disappearing Island yesterday, just south of Anclote Island on the west coast of FL. Good to see such a large flock.
Wood Pecker They've developed a sudden interest in the orange tree, which just went into bloom.