The Happy Carpenter

The Marine & the insurgent

Subject: The Marine

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious, on the side of the road. On the opposite side de of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and we both took cover in the ditches along the road, me on one side of the road and him on the other.

I yelled over to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low-life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left-wing Liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. Then I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" And there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck hit us!"

Half Time Follies

Download halftime_show.wmv

Confused mouse

Happy "Talk Like a Pirate" Day!

Use this fer yer emails today, ye scurvy bits o' ballast!  RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

If only...

When it's time to change careers...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved and he signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor
saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%
because you did all of it through the muffler."

At last, the fall TV season is nearly here!

FALL ARAB TV GUIDE

SUNDAY:

0800 - My 33 Sons

0830 - Osama Knows Best

0900 - I Dream of Mohammed

0930 - Let's Mecca Deal

1000 - The Kabul Hillbillies

MONDAY:

0800 - Husseinfeld

0900 - Mad About Everything

0930 - Monday Night Stoning

1000 - Win Bin Laden's Money

1030 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:

0800 - Wheel of Terror

0830 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right

0900 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things

0930 - Taliban's Wackiest

1000 - Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY:

0800 - Beat the Press

0830 - When Kurds Attack

0900 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread

0930 - Just Shoot Everyone

1000 - Veilwatch

THURSDAY:

0800 - Fatima Loves Chachi

0830 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H

0900 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and veils

0930 - Married with 139 Children

1000 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:

0800 - Spongebob Squareturban

0830 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?

0900 - Teletalibans

0930 - Camel 54, Where Are You?

SATURDAY:

0800 - Judge Jihad

0830 - Suddenly Sanctions

0900 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?

0930 - Cave and Garden Television

Dogs, men, and women

How Dogs and Women are the Same:

Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.

How Dogs and Men are the Same:

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.  (Huh?  Is that a gay joke?)
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither does dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

Thanks to Mighty Mo.

Best staff meeting ever... get it? Staff?

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood  the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the  meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising  slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written  for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight  variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week  went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10 - Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9 - Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8 - Viagra, like a rock!
7 - Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6 - Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5 - Viagra, Reach out and touch someone
4 - Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3 - Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2 - Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1 - This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs

Mona Lisa after one week in the USofA